It's discouraging to be in a gym full of healthy, energetic, perky people. My first thought was, "Did I ever look, feel or act that way?" My next thought was, "I wish my body could do what my brain wants it to." My final thought before I lapsed into a sweaty coma was, "Everything hurts!"
I watched my daughter move with grace and ease and was so impressed, proud and jealous of her abilities....could that ever be me? Right now, I'm going to say no.
I've birthed seven kids, worked a 40-plus hour work week for as long as I can remember and lived my life with the belief that everyone and everything else is more important than anything I could possibly desire. It sounds strange to write this, but part of my thought process has been and still is that if there is something out there that could make me happy or feel better then I don't deserve it.
Feeling crappy is what I've grown accustomed to, so I'm not sure I can function any other way. I'm scared! Scared of being happy and the resulting consequences. Scared that maybe there is more to life than just existing; trying to just survive one more day. I've always been told that 'man is that he might have joy'. Does that apply to me too? I guess we'll see.
How lucky am I that my daughter loves me enough to want to help me. I don't want to disappoint her or myself, but yes, I'm afraid I will.